How to build connections when you struggle with social anxiety
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Posted: Mon 2nd Dec 2024
Ever since 2016, I have battled with anxiety. I was diagnosed with generalised anxiety disorder (GAD) and depression after a work-related breakdown. Anxiety makes doing even simple everyday tasks difficult.
In 2018 I started And Breathe Mental Health, where I share my lived experience to help people manage and improve their mental fitness. One of the biggest challenges I face in running my own business is communicating with people, in particular, networking. The latter is called social anxiety. It is where I feel intense fear in social situations.
Social anxiety can affect people in different ways. For me, it starts a few days before an event. My brain will run through all the negative scenarios. The fear will build up to a point where I decide I just do not want to do it; in the end, I must force myself.
I find online events easier because there is less to worry about in the run-up to the event. I know that if I panic, I can turn off my camera or leave the session (maybe blame the internet connection!). I prefer situations where I do not have to be in the conversation, I can just listen and contribute if I feel comfortable doing so.
Unfortunately, this is not so easy when networking as it is all about talking and engaging. Then there are ‘breakout rooms’, just hearing those two words makes me panic.
In-person situations are hell for me and I try to avoid them unless my wife is with me. The last networking event we attended was a couple of years ago in Richmond, London. All I remember was being overwhelmed. I started to panic because the room was full of people, it was noisy and I quickly became disorientated.
I did not have a full-on panic attack, but I could not speak and I could not focus on anything or anyone. In the end, I found a quiet corner and left my wife to get on with her networking (she obviously made sure I was ok).
So, what causes this level of anxiety?
The full answer is very complex, so I will try and simplify it.
The first thing to say about anxiety is that it is natural. We will all experience it at some level.
Like the standard software you get on a new laptop, anxiety is with us from day one. If we did not have it, then we would not have evolved in the way we have.
It involves a simple process, that starts with our senses, which take in information from the world around us. This information is then stored in the brain as memories. I like to imagine it as a filing cabinet in my head, with thousands of files, just sitting there, ready to be referred to at some point in the future.
The brain attaches emotions (good and bad) to every memory. It's the emotions that make us react in different ways – fear, sadness, joy, excitement.
Anxiety is the response to danger or uncertainty, real or perceived. It is linked to the fight, flight and freeze responses. In normal anxiety, you will experience mild or moderate responses, which quickly pass once the danger passes, or does not materialise.
We have all been there, doing a talk or presentation in front of people, going to social gatherings or networking events where you do not know many people; you feel a bit sick, your heart rate increases, you sweat more, your muscles tense, you get butterflies in the stomach; all of this is natural. Once you settle in and feel more comfortable, the anxious feelings pass.
Severe anxiety is natural anxiety but at a far greater intensity. It is where you feel that something terrible is going to happen or has happened.
The emotions you will be feeling will be intense fear and terror. You might find that you become anxious about a wider range of things and the feelings and responses will be more frequent and over a longer period. The causes of this heightened anxiety can be varied and will be unique to everyone, based on their experience.
If we look at social anxiety, it may be that you have had a particularly bad experience in a social situation in the past and the memory of this will trigger anxiety in the future.
If you are like me, it may be completely unrelated and maybe a combination of a whole trolley-load of emotional baggage. Anxiety can be very complex, so this is why we must be curious and not judgmental when trying to understand the anxious response.
So, how do you manage social anxiety?
1. Avoidance is not always the answer
While we may feel this tactic is beneficial, all it is doing is reinforcing the problem, making it even harder to deal with.
Exposing yourself to situations that make you feel anxious can be beneficial, if planned properly and carried out safely.
This is all about rewiring the brain; if you change the experience, you change the response.
2. Have a panic buddy
My wife is my panic buddy. It is someone you trust and who can support you. Whether it is in-person or online, just having that hand to hold (physically or virtually) can make all the difference.
If you do start to panic, then you know you are not alone and your panic buddy will know how to help you.
3. Plan
If it is an in-person event get prepared in advance.
Where is it?
How will you get there?
How long will it take to get there?
Do you know anyone else who is going?
Can you go with someone?
Planning means you are prepared and remove uncertainties that may make you anxious. It is also important to have a backup plan, in case things change.
4. Take off the mask
If you are networking or doing something out of your comfort zone, tell people if you are feeling anxious. You will be surprised how many people will admit to it as well.
As business owners, we often feel we must wear a mask of professionalism, which includes not showing vulnerabilities, but sometimes sharing can remove some of the pressure and make us more relatable.
5. Breathe
When we get anxious, we tend to hyperventilate. Learning to slow your breathing down can really help.
There are various breathing exercises you can try, but I find that breathing in for four seconds and then out for six seconds helps. If I am feeling really anxious, I take three deep breaths before trying to slow my breathing.
Also, try to breathe in and out through your nose (it is harder than you think and takes practice). It has various benefits, plus, it will stop you from gulping in air when you panic.
The biggest piece of advice I can give if you struggle with social anxiety is to ask for help. You can change, but doing it by yourself can be very challenging, so get some support and start rewiring your brain.
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